His blue eyes don't seem so clear today.

I received the call yesterday morning while I was at work. My daddy was very ill and my sister called to tell me. I could not leave work, I was in the middle of busy cases and there was not enough help for me to leave. I suggested that she call my brother who is a doctor and even an ambulance if he was that bad. I felt so torn. My daddy is 85. I am 44, in the middle of the busy years of my life, raising two teenagers and working. My dad refused to go to the hospital, but agreed to go the the doctor's office. He was immediately admitted from the office. During the night he became confused and septic. As my husband and I were driving to the hospital this morning I felt overwhelmed. I felt so bad for leaving everyone short at work, I felt sad that my dad had let his infection get so bad he was now very ill, and I felt so certain that there was nothing I could do about any of these problems. As I arrived at his ICU room it was shocking to see how his presense was gradually leaving his physical state. My father has always had shockingly blue eyes but today they were cloudy, dim and barely open. He did reconize my voice, but his voice was so weak and his words confusing. I am the youngest of four children. I don't make the command decisions regarding our family. In fact, not one of us have been able to help my father with his poor health decisions. He has never been one to go the doctor or keep his health in check. He avoids medical treatment until something is a disaster or cannot be tolerated any longer. This makes me sad. I am a nurse and my brother a doctor. Yet, we have had two parents who avoided medical treatment, thus ending their lives. Ignorance. Denial. Worried about facts. Whatever the reasons I cannot justify the end results. I believe in going to the doctor. I believe in knowing your own body and watching for changes. I believe in being honest, truthful about how I feel, I believe in maintaining a regular pattern of check-ups, mammograms and a healthy lifestyle. What do I regret? That my father and mother have always waited until something was worse than it should have been and then caused them more hurt and pain than necessary with medical advances today. I know my father is 85 and has lived a good life, but many of his problems have been the result of stubborness and denial of what was really wrong. Today his blue eyes are dim and my eyes can see clearly. I don't want my children to see this in me.