This empty nest thing.

Everyone keeps on asking me, "what are you going to do when both your kids are in college this fall?" Well, to be honest, I have no idea. I hope I will still be working, breathing, eating, living some sort of life after they are gone. And, it is a completely new stage of life for me. I have been a mother for 20 years now. Something that I no idea how to do when they laid our first born in my arms. I don't remember feeling overwhelmed or unsure...I just felt the most unbelievable thankfulness and love. For once words can't explain the fullness of those two moments. The motherhood thing is really a journey. Often I have said it isn't for the weak of heart. But I cannot say that anything in this physical earth has given more pleasure than having children. So back to the empty nest thing. I remember leaving our son at college....it was the most wonderful...sad...exciting...tiring thing I had done. The trip home consisted of sobs from my daughter...who was wondering what life would be like without her big brother at home, school or church. Life was going to be different. I was fine until he came home for the first time and went back Sunday afternoon. When he hugged me goodbye and pulled out of the drive I sobbed. I simply sat in his room and cried. I have planned meals around cheer leading practice, ballgames, dances, schoolwork, dates, friends, trips...and even taken food to where ever they were. I have made cookies at 12MN, run to Hastings, run to Sonic, picked up friends, made endless beds on the floor for sleepovers, stood in line for XBOX, stood in line for Hello Kitty boom box, searched for the perfect bat, guitar, dress, shoes, car, purse. Listened to angry explanations when my decisions were not fair..asked for forgiveness when I messed up...watched a million times for the familiar headlights to turn the corner headed for home..fell asleep praying for their safety and wisdom..drove to ballgames...movies...malls...school. Bought school supplies...looked at every store for that notebook she or he had to have...football cleats...cheer shoes. Washed the bathtub ring left from a rainy, muddy football player....wiped the tears from an exhausted cheerleader picked up from camp. Waited endless hours for practice to end...wondering if my supper would burn. Yes, this thing called mother. Yes, this thing called the empty nest. Someone asked me yesterday what I would do different...I don't really know. Why? Because, I can't think of anything else I would rather be doing than wondering what I will do when both of my kids are gone to college this fall. I guess I will find out....because I had no idea what being a mother was going to be and I have loved every...single...bit. And my heart will never be empty...I'll just make more room for the next thing.

Cinderella in the jeep.

This afternoon was my final appearance as mother of a teenager going to the prom. The last count was five...and this one was just as special. The weather was threatening storms, tornado's, hail..well you get the picture. Her date arrived just in time for the bottom of the skies to drop out and we made a few quick pictures in the house then headed to the event center..the back-up place for pictures for the seniors. It was so wonderful to see all the beautiful girls dressed to the tens. The guys looking sharp in their tux. All the parents snapping pictures as fast as the digital cameras would allow. Pictures in groups...couples...singles...formal...goofy...simply a fun time watching all these teenagers in their final moments of their senior year. We got my daughter's dress at a store off the beaten path in Murfreesboro, had we not had a friend who had been there we wouldn't have found the store. Small. Unassuming. Tucked away. We scanned the small store. She tried on two dresses and no luck...but one of the mom's with us noticed a pink, short dress hanging from the ceiling. She asked to get it down and it quickly headed to the dressing room for a try on. Pale pink. Bubble gum colored. Short. Layers of fluffy tule. Heavy embroidered roses in dark fuchsia at the top. Sweetheart neckline. You get the idea. Well, when she put it on it was perfect...PERFECT. All her girlfriends agreed. The dress was for her. A quick purchase and off to home. That was in early March. She ordered shoes. Found antique earrings on line that were perfect. A loose do hairdo was decided on. As I wandered among the crowd of people I realized her look had been achieved. She always has such a different way of seeing things or should I say outfits. The moment had to come to say goodbye as the group was loading onto the party bus...my daughter turned to give me a kiss and say she loved me...and suddenly it dropped my heart to my toes. As her head of messy loose do hair with pink bubblegum fluffy dress turned to walk away...I saw my three year old daughter in her favorite Cinderella dress my sister bought for her. She wore the dress until it wouldn't go up her arms. I could see her wild hair flying in the battery operated jeep commando driven by my son as he kept moving the pink toile out of his face to see the way to go. Her bare feet propped on the dash...squeeling...laughing...asking to go faster...with her brother taking the curves on two wheels. I wasn't ready for the lump in my throat or the stinging in my eyes. She stopped to give me one more look and I knew....many things have changed...life hasn't been easy...things have hurt along the way...but nothing can change the memories of a pink dress in a commando jeep...I was just reminded.

Does God change his mind?

In the women's Bible study this morning the question was asked about God's will and if he ever changes his mind. I answered yes, without hesitation, then saw the shock on some of the women's faces. I realized I was stepping on sacred, not to be discussed, ground. Sensing the the shock factor I pulled back stating that my belief is based on my faith and relationship with God. I sensed fear first of all. Fear, that I was speaking completely out of order. Anyway, my heart has been troubled by this today and so I have been researching. Isaiah 38:1-22 gave me answers. Hezekiah had been told by Isaiah, that he was going to die. He had better get his house in order and prepare to die. Hezekiah immediately turned his heart to the Lord and prayed and wept. He reminded God of h is faithfulness, his devotion and his attempts to do good and guess what? The Lord told Isaiah to go back to Hezekiah and him his prayer had been heard and his tears seen.He was giving him fifteen more years to live with signs and a promise. Now, this is where we have to be careful. I believe that God's will is perfect, complete, without tarnish or blemish, but I also believe that he hears our heart. He feels our pain, our confusion, our worries, our fears. For me to think that my God doesn't change his mind would have me to believe I should be praying to a stone cold God. Of course God knows the outcome in all things. He is in control of all things. I do not doubt his power, nor his love. Someone stated they could not live in peace knowing God could change his mind or will....to me that gives me even more peace because IF I am asking him to lead me, guide me to do his will and purpose then the outcome does not change. He will never leave or forsake me and that is what is really important. That will never change.

Advice on parenting teenagers.

Someone asked me to write about teenagers and parenting them. Well, first of all I am not an expert. Just ask my two kids. Second, parenting is a journey, a process. The most important ingredient of parenting is love.
1. Teenagers are looking for real people. Don't be a fake parent. Live what you say and believe in what you do.
2. Be honest. Admit your mistakes. This is HUGE.
3. Ask them to forgive you.
4. Stay involved. Go to school functions, whether your child is a participant or spectator.
5. Know their friends. KNOW them. Open your home. Provide food. Don't hover. Just be there.
6. Look for opportunities to teach. NEVER LECTURE. Lectures are for teachers at school.
7. Stay checked-in. Keep reminders to keep you on your toes about social events, school fees, parent meetings, end of semesters, projects due, stressful times with increased activities.
8. Know what they are good at doing. Organizing, sports, creative, introvert, extrovert, math, English, building, cleaning, socializing.
9. LISTEN. Did you hear that? Listen. That means not interrupting. This builds respect.
10. Wait. After listening to the details, facts, then pray for wisdom and wait. Taking time will save you frustration and anger.
11. Consequences. Be up front with what you expect from them. Being safe, honest, trustworthy. These are never an option. If broken there should be such a bond with you and your teenager that they know what to expect from you when rules are broken. Teenagers do not like knee jerk reactions from parents. They love stability even if it means they are in trouble.
12. Be available. This builds trust. Teach your teenager that they are your gift and concern. Be there for them regardless of the circumstances. Let them know they can always call for help. Asking for help is hard to do, so take it seriously if they call. It doesn't mean you rescue from consequences...it means you will be there for them.
13. Learn to have meals together. This means no texting, no phone calls, no reading...parents. It is more important for us to show our teenager matters during the meal than for us to demand them to stop. I ask mine to stop, but if they really don't want to I accept that and I tell them I am thrilled just to have them with us to eat. Many times it isn't about making them stop something...it's about meeting them in their territory to validate their worthiness.
14. Look for opportunities to reward them for maturity. Being on time for curfew. Let them stay at a dance a little longer when they call asking permission. Letting them drive to farther places. Always look for the positive in them and be specific. They know if it is fake. So be frank and real about this. Don't fluff them if it isn't deserved. This step requires involvement for parents. You must be in their lives to keep up with this one.

15. LOVE. I am leaving this for last. Not because it is the least important, in fact, it is the most important. Teach them love. Through every action, decision, word, consequence...show love for them. How? God loved us so much that he gave his only son for us. We are to love our children with a sacrificial love that cannot be moved, changed, tainted or conditioned by the world. Love is active, involved, passionate, concerned, tough, vulnerable, fearful, overwhelming...but, everyday we are to give our teenager to God. Lift them up specially. Cover them in God's grace, mercy, wisdom like Soloman, protection and to follow God's plan for their life. Nothing else matters if our teenager does not have a relationship with Christ. Jesus loved people into his arms of redemption. We must love our children into God's presence.

So maybe you are thinking these things only require the effort from the parents. And you are exactly right. We are to be the adults here and take the steps to build bridges for our teenagers to walk across. Parenting isn't making sure they have money to spend, car to drive, college funds, designer clothing...it is knowing our child well enough to see hurt on their face, anger in their heart, rejection from friends, confusion about life, pain from poor choices, exhaustion from being overwhelmed, depression from feeling hopeless, excitement from life and being the same through it all....THERE, READY, OPEN ARMS, OPEN HEART. The prodigal son's dad NEVER stopped looking across the fields for his son to come home. We must be in the field.

Mud washes off.

Remember when you would play in the dirt and mud as a child? Maybe you made mud pies.. dug holes...made race tracks...or simply just got dirty. I remember when my two children built a bicycle ramp in the back yard. It involved hard work, digging up dirt, moving it and they would be covered with dirt and dust that required hot water and soap to remove. Life can be like building something in the dirt. People make mistakes that sling mud across their reputation. Marriages are tainted with muddied vows. Relationships are dusted with mistrust and hurt. Promises are hidden with dirt from lies. MUD, DIRT, FILTH. I can still see the streaks of dust and dirt on my son's face as he laboured in the back yard. Sweat, carving trails down his dust covered face...not bothering him as he forged on his task of a bicycle ramp. Sin. Mud. When we choose to follow our own path of selfishness, motivations, greed, anger, addictions, betrayal...we are covering our hearts in the mud of life. Over time, it becomes difficult to even feel our true heart beat with the crud and crust building up around our soul. God sees our heart. Through the dirt, grime and disgust...he knows what is inside. He sees beyond the filth. In each family...each relationship...each day of life...there will be times when we all need to be washed in the Dial soap of forgiveness. Our sin has consequences...something Satan doesn't want us to realize while we are digging that pit or making our mud pies, but our Father offers living water that can heal us, wash us clean, and peel away the layers of dirt....freeing our hearts to beat. Maybe you think your mud pile is too big...too dirty....too deep...too crusty...for soap and water. Those are lies...do not listen...lies that are meant to keep you dusty and dirty...because if you ever come clean with the Master....you will know the refreshing presence of squeaky, clean truth. Once you have been scrubbed off, cleaned up, redeemed and forgiven...you will forever be changed. Go make a mud pie....pat it down flat...then wash your hands. Leave the mud of life behind and wash your heart in God's Dial soap.

Reading glasses.

If you follow my blog at all you realize how my family has been affected by alcoholism. My husband has struggled with this disease since age 14. It has been a journey to say the least. We enjoyed the holidays together as a family...something I am truly grateful for. On one particular day, my husband and I were shopping and he picked up a cheap pair of reading glasses at Big Lots. I had noticed his arms did not seem long enough as he struggled to read his USA News. They are sort of grey in color...slight rectangular shape....nothing special...but I have grown to like this look on him. Somewhere along the pages of turmoil in dealing with such a devastating disease...these reading glasses have given me a lot of hope...for in the evening when he chooses to pull the glasses out and read....well, he has made it another day sober. His vision isn't being distorted by the effects of whiskey. He is actually seeing. These gray colored glasses seem to soften the face of one who so struggles each day, second and minute with the pull of alcoholism. I don't know what tommorrow holds for him and his internal demons...but I do cherish the image of him sitting...leaning to one side of the recliner... adjusting his paper to the light beside his chair...with the cheap pair of gray reading glasses atop his nose. For when I see this...I know he is seeing clearly...more than the words on the page of the paper...he is seeing life.

Traditions.

I was busy cleaning the house on Saturday. The usual dusting, washing clothes, vacuuming.. you get the picture. I finally sat down to eat a bite of lunch and relax when my phone beeped with that special noise that means a picture has downloaded from someone. I casually opened it expecting one of those crazy send to your friends thing...when I saw something that really touched my heart. Two somethings to be exact. Two orange pumpkins lit up across my phone. The caption underneath said, "we got pumpkins." Such a Saturday Evening Post moment. I blinked to make sure I was really seeing two pumpkins. My smile started growing as I remembered. Now, I will never say that my kids had a peaceful, perfect childhood, but....they did have wonderful heartfelt moments made possible with their fun seeking dad. The week before Halloween we always picked out our pumpkins. Bo's being the largest and so on. We would draw our faces out on notebook paper and then we would all struggle to carve them... with poppa bear Bo usually taking over with his strong hands to cut the specially thought out designs. It was sort of remarkable that my sophomore son at UT Knoxville was carrying on this familiar tradition with his sweet girlfriend, far from the beginnings on our front porch. This simple picture lifted my day of boring housework to a mother moment in time. I got busy again and once again my phone made the downloading sound. I opened my phone again to see a nicely carved pumpkin with the famous Majors' crooked smile started by their dad years ago. My oh my. Don't let anyone ever tell you that time spent with your children doing such simple, plain, activities doesn't matter. Don't let the rush of work, dinner, social schedules or just whatever...keep you from taking the time to make memories with your children. Because long after the snap shots of those earlier pumpkin days with seeds everywhere on my porch and their clothes....long after the goofy faces have been carved....long after time marches on to their college days several hours away...there is a place called the heart of a child. And in the heart of a child they remember the good far more than the bad. And they remember the endless search of their perfect pumpkin. And they remember how hard they worked to design their pumpkin. And they remember....even miles away...even in their apartment with no porch...even in the hustle and bustle of college life, papers due and tests looming. And they remember....that the stuff that makes life more enjoyable is sometimes as simple as an orange pumpkin with a crooked smile. And that....is what a tradition is all about. Weaving your family's tapestry of life with the many colors of memories....as my son says, "that's what makes a family beautiful." The color orange.